We Enter My World

Long time no plea
Hopefully someone is inspired to adopt an adult or leukemia/aids positive cat or dog when I say that a local shelter in queens which was no kill is now going under. It is being taken over by a shelter that keeps only puppies and kittens they think are adoptable and even at that does not have space for all of these animals. The place is called Animal Haven and it is located on Prince St. off Northern Blvd. If anyone is considering adoptions please consider one of these animals because soon they will start putting them down. The first to go will be the adults (which is anything over 1 year) and leukemia or aids positive cats. So please!!!! Think about adopting if your not and if you were please adopt an adult or one of the other animals that will soon be put down at this shelter. You can walk in and look around, so please think about it and tell your friends because they don't have much time left.

Why ask?
I think my computer hates me, but my teachers like me. I got a B+ for a class with a 20 page paper I have still yet to complete. Well I gave him half of it. And in all fairness, I will finish this paper tomorrow if it kills me. Merely in thanks and respect for the teacher who cared and graded me prematurely. Though I wish he would have contacted me at some point. I think I'm too obsessed with things. Like Craig Fergusun. Well he deserves my obsession. I need to be more social, I need to be happy with myself. Contradiction, is what I am and love. Ha ha, try and take me on. And no more questions, things will happen when they happen.

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Panic! at the Disco- Nine in the Afternoon

I guess why don't I?
The new year's entry seems to be an important one, though technically its already the second. I spent the day with some of the greatest people I have ever met. We sang our throats sore, ate polish food and talked about variety pack condoms. It was the kind of days you don't remember in detail, you just know that you had fun. Things were just right. Although I had this 20 page paper floating around my mind, I was able to have fun. And I finally gave in to my own feelings, not to the person, but to myself. Its hard to let yourself like someone, especially when you know that someone is totally wrong for you. You that he totally wont last in your life. But even so you just have to be okay with it, you have to even try it out sometimes...I might try it out, I'm still deciding.

New Years Resolution

finish this damn paper before the teacher fails me....

lose weight....

be happier and more free....

Forgotten old friends......
Somehow we get caught up and forget things that made us smile. Sometimes it people, or places. For me I seem to have forgotten alot of things. Kind of like in the poem Forgetfulness where the last line reads "I can remember much forgetfulness." All the things you forget seem to come back to you in doorways, daydreaming during lectures and when pieces of your past resurface. Certain things I used to look forward to I really cant recall. Why I loved places and people have faded a bit. More and more I have become overwhelmed with the daily routine. My phone keeps me connected I guess and other things I can use within the safety of my room. Seems like time for my restless self to get up and go. I've been itching for a road trip or a plane ride to somewhere, anywhere, Connecticut will do. Other times I think I should fill a big with my work and sit at the beach with the waves crashing alone with my thoughts. There is too many of them though and many would be figuring out how to sleep or who I should call to keep me company on the sand. Who would go to the beach in the Fall? Hmmm there is more work to be done than I can think to do. Writing, writing, writing, we have a love hate relationship. When I have an interest I am willing to pour my all, I can say interesting and important things. But please, oh please dont ask me to teach math, please dont make me write on school systems...this is why I never took education. Nothing clicks right after what 16 years in school. 16 years we spend at desks paying attention doing homework and think inside someones box. I'm working, on myself, on life, on figuring exactly what I can do with a year off and now direction.... More importantly I am thinking about graduation, getting out of school and finding something new.

Leave me to my bed
Oh please end school and let the teachers not notice that yet again I am not showing up for class and handing in things late and being irresponsible. Ah crap dont fail me. I just want to ride my bike and not have school work to do, like an endless paper. While I like not doing anything for most of the semester I find that the classes I do work for all semester bring up my GPA alot more. Because it becomes less about my absence and about how much of the work I hand in. 2 pages at a time becomes a lot less stressful than a 15 page paper to decide your entire grade. Man am I screwed and half dead to this crap. I dont want to keep up a GPA damn it!! I want that 2.0 thats none threatening and where you say well I can only go up....3 yrs is good to keep a scholarship right? Asking for that fourth year would just be greedy. Not to mention they already cut it by 150 dollars. Well I've convinced myself to just do better next year and give up on this semester hoping only that I dont go below C's.

Qu'est que ce?
Thanks to Jamy and a whole lot of late night research I have a direction, or something to look forward to after graduation. With careful consideration as to where I could be places, though I will plead my case against being in the middle east, I have decided to join the Peace Corps after graduation. I can only hope to find myself and gain experience in life. I am hoping for Thailand , that would be my first choice but anywhere in Asia or the Pacific Islands or in the Caribbean is fine with me. I'm guessing if I put down that I know a bit of French they will stick me in the Caribbean or randomly in Senegal or something. They do speak French somewhere in Africa I just cant remember where. Anyway this gives me something to look forward to and prepare for as well as more time to figure out where I am going in life. And I though all the livejournal people would randomly be interested in this crap.

Oh also....looking for a cat or dog?

Well I am going to plug these agencies since I have seen some many animals go through the hospital who are adorable and need homes

go to/ search
Animal Haven (Right in Flushing!!)
Forgotten Felines (They use Petfinder which is a good way to search also)
Le Cats on the Water (Really organized rescue group)
SAVE
Loving Touch
or drop by the shelter maybe the CACC

Pointless
Seriously and without meaning to sound like the complete lost cause that I am...I need a man, a tallish one, taller than me. These are my qualifications. Old, mentally incapable, and ultra dependent need not apply.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: spider pig spider pig

squirt squirt
All to much swagger

I fail at life sometimes...

I really should be doing my article for tomorrows class. Its been festering in my head for weeks and its all planned out and quoted down and just needs to be written up. Which is where that big wall jumps out. My brain fails at life, it refuses to get its ass in gear. I need to quit now, yet I was all to excited to plan next semester and replan, removing History of Ireland to 1960 to take Elementary Japanese. I can do it!!!

I am crush
It is three in the morning and yes my sleep schedule is going in the way of off again. I have not smoked in like two days though so its understandable. I am still sick-like and I feel like my lips are so chapped they will fall off. I worked from like 3-10 tonight doing reception. It feels like lately everyones animals are dieing and the appointments refuse to end on time. When Jess and I finally left it was like 10:30 or something. And when we walked to the train I remembered what it was like to have a crush after seeing this guy. I cant believe I did not remember meeting him because I wanted to stare at him so badly, actually I wanted to jump him but that would be doubly inappropriate. Fantasy begins....

Oh hey by the way just to go back a little to like Friday, what happened there? Yeah thats my only comment that things are not the same and its wrong to act like they are. Anyway I had so much fun and as always missed my zoo family deeply. I ended up some how going to work the next morning after taking the late bus ride home and talking to Claudia on the phone about our stuff. Thats how life should be spent with good people.

So I started mapping out next semester and realized I have no clue what to take. I have my last English class- my senior seminar with hopefully my old Celtic Myth teacher Cassavan, I have to retake News Editing since I dropped it this semester, I decided to fulfill one of my cores I will take Math for Elementary school teachers, to fulfill another core intro to womens studies and lastly in my ultimate attempt at useless knowledge history- Ireland to 1690... this is odd right?
But really I wanted to take Japanese, however the classes are 4 days a week which completely kills my work schedule. Japanese is no use when I cant afford Japan. Ah well I will continue to pick up random words from shows and save to stalk the fangirl love of my life Ikuta Toma as well as tour Asia.

On a related note these are my semi-near-future destination goals:
Hong Kong
Italy
More of Ireland
Amsterdam
Thailand
Korea
Taiwan
Indonesia
Spain

The first three are the most likely within the next year or so. But ahhhh Thailand is a serious goal for me. I just need to find a willing travel companion for all these trips.

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Billy Joel

i have things to say
and i want to say it completely ungramatically and with complete incoherence. Im headed to Glasgow and Paris this spring break. Very exciting. I never though I would be the one to spend on travel, to bounce around. im such a home body its hard to get used to sharing a room or a bathroom or being able to make as much noise or not being able to so much. this of course was all before I shared a room with kat, 2 creepy frenchmen, a drunken frenchmen, a snooty californian, that sweet brazillian guy, and a very likable canadian. Nothing scares me anymore... This time around though I get to share my own room with Anna and hopefully be less worried and travel with less crap~

so today.... I went back to smoking. I found out that quiting had seriously affected my sleep patterns and my anxiety was only getting worse without them. the thing is I feel much more dependent on them now than I did before, apparently my body has starved for them. Any sad to say i feel better with them. I came to an agreement with one of my teachers on a take home midterm I loathed and feel that I dont have to pass/fail a class as well as drop one. I actually got the drop letter about my editing class today, I was disappointed in myself, that it came to that. And for a course I really like!! I will feel better though when I retake it next semester. I must say though I want to graduate its really looming over me like "what the fuck are you going to do with this english major??" Im an idiot for taking english, it will only lead to more schooling. So my some what easing plan is to take a year off. Hopefully I can get an intership so it doesnt look like I just wasted a year doing nothing, but I also want to travel and maintain my job at the vets office to support such travel. sound stupid? sounds wonderful to me but yes very foolish.

In other news I have bangs now....do I really want a pic of myself right now though...no
and I have a midterm to complete yay Magazine Writing 310

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: bon jovi- livin on a prayer

there are things i want to say im sure of it
and i want to say it completely ungramatically and with complete incoherence. im chunkier than before, it bothers me. my body feels stiff and heavy and i cant stop coughing, actually there was some mucinex that seems to have put it at bay. right now i just keep thinking i miss dublin, i wish i got to know my siblings better, that i had more time to soak in the surroundings and try the amazingly fresh food and be dazzled by the amazingly refreshing people. mostly i wish i could fit in with their family. i wish i could get to know my stepmom better cause i absolutely loved her and i think she has raised some great children. i miss it so much that london seemed only like a side note filled with strange people and too much city life that closed at 5pm. i liked seeing my wifey, meeting new people, and a canadian guy i met in a hostel...these are my impressions of london. most likely i wont go back, but i hope to make ireland an at least yearly thing. next stop to come japan!!! ive some time i guess to straighten out my life in what i hope to do. but mostly i just want to be happy and go to the gym periodically.

I wonder.
I do a lot of this of course. Which is mostly the reason I have a Livejournal and somehow manage to post it in. I never really chronicle anything important in my life, like things I hope I don't forget. No only those mediocre days in which I feel I have to say something to be heard. Today was fairly typical like many of my other entry dates. I have found myself completely unable to communicate with my mother and therefore have managed for about two weeks now to barely say more than 5 words to her. And like the selfish unfeeling woman she is, she has excepted it. Instead of apologizing she continues. Until one day I know she will get bored, start an argument in hope of drawing out a reaction and think everything is back to normal. I myself debate whether I should keep this up or not, merely for the fact that she was going to send me abroad and I really, really want to do that program in Tokyo: Japanese Authors Nightmares and Dreams. Of course this may be sometime off, seeing as my Japanese is limited to pleasantries and polities and baka (stupid). This is all I have attained so far from the Japanese dramas. That and a distinct and unwavering love for an actor named Ikuta Toma, who also happens to be quite a singer.

This all is beside the point what I came here to talk about was the CPE. (Alice's Resteraunt totally flashed through my head just now) The CUNY Proficiency Exam, which will somehow correct CUNY's stupidity in letting in people who can barely grasp the English language. There are three hours of my life I will never get back. Half the time I spent staring into space. There was one point of the evening which I couldn't help but smile. Out of boredom people found anything they could to do to keep them busy after finishing the first task. I chose staring, the person next to me chose Haiku's. He must have written like 20 on the work space part of the test booklet. Many people couldn't help but watch him as he counted out on his fingers the syllables. I am sure he knew it was strange because during the break he randomly turns this other guy and says "Hey were you like writing Haiku's, cause I saw you counting on your finger and stuff." The guy, playing along, says "Nah man I don't know what I was doing, I was just bored" I thought it was quite amusing, I guess it was one of those you had to be there situations.

Anyway, this I followed with quality time with Anna at Fridays talking about Asian men and her kitty cat. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Alice's Resteraunt- Arlow Guthrie

I have ADD
Because....

There is a paper in my which I cannot put down on paper. All I can think about is other work and obligations. I am coming in on the home stretch of make-up work. Journalism seems to be little problem and quite interesting once I sit down to type. But Emerson, damn you Emerson. The entire paper is floating in my head escaping me every time I put my fingers to the keyboard. I really blame it on the first paragraph. That is almost always my downfall. I can not seem to introduce my thoughts so they make sense. I cannot include all the stupid details the teacher asks for. "Examine the poem as if you were in English 140(Poetry Workshop)." Yes I did take 140, I know how to analyze a poem, but how the hell do you talk about the structure of a poem in the same three page essay you are supposed to explain its connection to the same authors essay. Who the fuck cares about structure, I want to talk about what it means. I really think rhyme scheme is completely unimportant, I think it adds nothing to the content in fact. Really though I am just going out of my mind and avoiding a paper due in about an hour. Actually it was due last Tuesday but I have the class again this week and would prefer to come to class with paper in hand, so I am all caught up. Not to mention if I don't get it done this week, not only will it be embarrassing but I will never touch afterwards. Normally I would completely blow it off, if it were one of many assignments due, however this is the only assignment we have so far in that class and it doesn't look like there will be many after it. I am really screwed. I would so rather be doing my Journalism work, or watching Toma in the movie I just downloaded.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Back at Your Door- Maroon 5

hey there old friend
I think I have gotten a little chunkier, more and more confident, and freaked out by the disagreement in the aforementioned comments. So instead of dieting I will continue to enjoy the tacos I order at work. By the way, I totally love my job and the little animals that love me for loving them. I love that the doctor encourages her weird workers, like the other day when we groomed her dog and there was so much hair on the floor we formed it into a dog shape and put a collar and leash on. Than we had our resident terrier Ubie lie on his back next to the pile since the hair colors were so similar and proceeded to take pictures. Fun! Yay! And now I am just babbling, I need to think of something more interesting to say before I started writing.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Fernando

Its been...a while
And with the remains of some anger from past events, I am moving onward. I dont think I have ever been this self-satisfied and happy. My job is amazing, though I have to deal with school I am well adjusted. The only thing that tends to haunt my thoughts is the pressure to pair up. I wont force it damn it, I wont be so desperate and unfocused on myself. There are other things that seem way more important at this time. Like Journalism Grad school and studing at the University of Winchester and going to IKEA with Katherine and asian dramas. This is apparently my life. And the Vet Hospital, I love it so along with the people. Im darn happy is all. I hope the best for all of you too. Oh and in case you want to hang out, CALL ME! If not at home I am usually at Anna's....

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Blondie- "Maria"

I want alot of things
At the moment to float off in a pool of thought and figure out what the hell I am doing. Nothing ever felt so right as aiding in the spay of a rabbit, I stood there holding the gas mask on the rabbit to keep her knocked out and passed the doctor sutures and asked her exactly what she was doing as she pulled out a stream of fat in search for its ovaries. And when they were found they were smaller than jelly beans but similar in size. You could see that she ovulated the doctor pointed out. It was so gross I had to keep watching and questioning. And the laser, good god the laser, I couldnt take my eyes off of it. A giant absess on a cat removed with this thing that looked like a pen. I stood there and watched the dentistry, the pulling out of teeth. I watched the peaceful animal, passed out. The grey cat who wanted to bite me for holding it down while an infection in its paw was drained. How could I not want to do this for a long time. And so I have decided the universe is very crafty and knows how to get to me. I sign up for a receptionist job, and I find myself in the O.R. of a vet clinic. I want to be a vet tech now. And a writer. But to work with animals I just have to.

So in a recent developement
I have a new job in a veterinary office. I applied for nothing exciting since I dont plan on Vet school, just receptionist. However, as I learned the phones and how to look up patients and schedule appointments, I am asked if I would like to work more with the animals. So I will be the receptionist once a week and the other day I will be cleaning cages and watching surgeries. This would be a great resume for some one who was actually trying to be a Vet or VetTech get into Vet school...BUT I AM NOT THAT SOMEONE. Is the universe trying to force me back toward it? Or is it just me, subconciously forcing myself into it? I would love animal care if it didnt take so many sciences to get to it. For gods sake...someone give me something to write before I change my mind and decide to be a failing science student. Journalism looked so good. Rawr.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: The Take Over the Break Up- Fall Out Boy

The more you get sick the more you think its normal
It looked like there was something more to say, but that was just it-wasnt it. Isnt it always the case it looks like there is more to say but there really isnt. The english language becomes exhausted with over-usage and impropriety. I mean if it really meant anything it would have been already said, so really there is nothing more. And this is the point I have come to. I should really starting thinking before I talk. But my mind aches every second more I spend working in a places that only stifles my uniqueness. Yes, I am that girl craving not to end up living on a back-up plan. Why shouldnt plan A be the one that works out. I think mostly life is fucked up, is there really a point to look foward to? Or do we just keep wandering along constantly tell ourselves there is. Life just seems too long to not do what you want. Oh yeah I will be a writer, writing sad poetry on a cardboard box/my home. At that point I will have wished I went for that good old back-up plan. Ah well I can shrug it off now when I am still in school, and when I force myself through graduate school. I can shrug it off when Anderson Cooper has me removed from his property as I sigh and grow weak in the knees knowing that Anderson and I share a peice of paper. Of course its not the marriage certificate Id really wanted but instead the restraining order...

On a completely differing note, I have the faintest smell of charcoal in my mind, both from barbeques at the beach and the Guinea Pig named Charcoal that my friend used to bring down to play with us and basically tortured. But mostly of the beach. I really wish at times like this I could afford to quit and spend my summer half with friends and the other half watching asian dramas. And at times in tandum(I totally didnt spell that right)

Current Mood: clueless
Current Music: hum hallelujah- Fall Out Boy

Ha ha ha I vaguely remember walking into Ferrari Driving School somewhere in Astoria
Just now there was a commercial for it randomly at two in the morning, you know the low budget kind where you think I was probably walking down the block when they shot that and I probably didnt even notice. Except I havent been to Astoria in an awfully long time.

Another thing, Bob Woodruffs place in my heart has been replaced by Anderson Cooper with his silvery hair and dreamy look and his crazed need to face and publicize world pain and suffering. In reading his book I have hope in my writing and I cant help but day dreaming Gloria Vanderbilt will approve of me. Something freakish, the kind of stuff I watch incessently on crunchyroll.com. I have watched them so much, I actually believe if I hug a guy it means I am a whore. You know like I would be if I lived in Korea or China or Japan....some how its beautiful, such conservativeness. Every touch is something so grand and special its only meant for those you love or cherish. But I have gone completely off topic as usual. I dream mainly in fiction and impossibility and why not?

I wish I could write my thoughts better and as they come instead of losing track of every idea that came into my head. Id also wish for better grammer and spelling I guess, but its not so necessary.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Regina Spektor- On the Radio

why is it so?
That at the moment my ears want to burst in pain, I want to collapse and sleep yet I havent exhausted myself quite yet. I am avoiding work and am thoroughly grumpy. And AHHH my head hurts so much. I want a full CAT scan, tell me what is wrong with me, why cant I be healthy, always something, it fucking hurts. My brain is running a thousand miles a minute, I cant tell if its stress or I am actually sick. I worked this past weekend, I went to Florida a week ago, I hung out with Anna today, did I just forget my aching ears? I called out again, seeing as it three in the morning and I am unable to exhaust myself yet. I was so excited to apply for a new job. Possibly its the thoughts of missing the zoo. While I loved it so much, and still do, I cant think of working any longer with those men, assholes, who call themselves supervisors - yet can supervise nothing since they havent a clue what they are supervising and find time in their schedules of nothing to tell me I do nothing there, that I am robbing the zoo of money by working there. FUCK! What the hell just to assert authority? You think I am scared, I dont need that, I dont need to be demeaned for shitty pay. No rewards is one thing, but I can not stand being talked down to. Idiots the lot of them, men I mean. Well for the most part. I cant I have had that experience with all but most. Theres a feeling building that I will never fid what I am looking for. At the same time my faith in my future is jumbled. As to what I want to do, I am really unsure. Animal trainer, writer, anchor, journalist, reviewer, National Geographic... I just dont know how to get to any of these....I want to sleep off my problems in big warm arms. That wont happen though and I am too tired to wish for it anymore. I just want to sleep and dream.

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: the lullaby of old broadway

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